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19 January 2011 @ 04:43 am
its fucking weird that this exists with such strange and infrequent posts now is as good a time as ever to write something in here

i had a great weekend, well its wednesday now. i went to new york. i also hit stefan in the fucking face
its so late here and i want to write all about my weekend. and the fight and how lovly justin was and his roomate and hugo and lasse and how dave left forever and paul and jessica and everyone and my dad being sick and elena
06 April 2009 @ 02:12 am
sometimes when i am having sex, for a split second i will feel like i am being raped. how many feet are left in the camera? i am running out of film. i want to talk to mr. lafrineire why do i romanticize everything? why do i keep calling people? who am i looking to talk to and what am i looking to hear? no one can help me. there is no way i can articulate my thoughts without censoring myself or feeling like a burden to the listener. no one will ever stop me from ripping out my hair. most certianly not myself
why dont i keep up with this i feel like my life may interest strangers.

sterling maclamore is dead. frank mcgill is dead. john coggins has been dead. who is next? its only a matter of time. is ali next? is sverre next? tragedy is becoming more familiar and it is no use looking for any type of solace. jessica tells me i have PTSD from dealing with rick. she may be right. but in the immortal words of "natty mike" we often project.

vince is crazy. jinx is crazy. i am so sane it kills me. so many colorful characters i feel they should be immortalized

bad mothers should be executed

victor was sick today. it really scared me

i went on a walk with stefan yestarday because i couldnt stop thinking about death.we went to the hallow and it was so beautiful. i saw some dead things on the way. a dead snake, bones from a decaying bird. he told me to stop talking about death but i feel like its following me. instead we looked at graffiti and talked about seth and buying a house and serbia and we held hands as we walked down the railroad track. it was so bright out and we found a place down near the brewery where someone had thrown a ton of old bottles. it was shining. i love stefan so much it hurts me. he is now fucking sarah... i tell myself to be upset but i don't really care. he loves me and nothing can stop it. I want to live in belgrade with stefan and walk to the bakery every morning. i think about this all the time.

i want to tell rick that besos and thor are back in town and that jack nasty moved away, i want to hold rick and cry to him about how much i miss him and tell him i want to be his girlfriend again. i want to see him walk again and smile at me. i can't stand it. i can't sleep. paul is next to me. dave was next to me. mike was next to me. and everytime i'd just turn over and cry so they can't hear and think about the way it was waking up with rick in the morning down on that dirty futon on woolslayer. these men are so stupid. i dont want it i dont want it i dont want it

some thing has got to give

oh, and im a sex worker now

i'd like to stop crying long enough to finish shooting this fucking movie
i had sex with pretty boy flloyd last night, i told him i wanted to go out and spend time with him one on one, we went out to eat n park, had a good time, talked, were silent, drew. we went to my house. everything was very relaxed. very comfortable. i have been feeling him out recently. He strikes me as a very good person. Sensitive, maybe overly, i dont know yet... i geuss it was understood that the prospect of sex was quite probable when we left the house but there wasn't any akwardness, perhaps i felt slightly nervous, only a smidgen because i am always aware of my physical appearance in situations like this. i never know if the person looking at me finds me as appealing as i would hope they do. I find dave's presence incredibly relaxing... He is very attractive, his body is strong like sverre's and his hair and dark features are absolutely gorgeous.

When we got back we got undressed and got into my bed, no discussion about it. it all happened very smoothly, with this strange sort of mutual understanding, i asked him to tell me a story and he did, his story was pretty nonsensical and i cant remember the particulars of it. i love forcing people to make up inpromptu stories, i love doing it for leanne, she always laughs so much at my stupid stories.

we touched eachother for a long and then he finally just asked to fuck me, i just said alright, i wasn't sure that i actually wanted to yet, in fact i was kinda thinking it would stop there just like it had the last time, it didnt last long and i said we could just do it again, his response was, thats always the best option. so we talked for a while and kissed and then had sex again it was pretty hot, i thought it went well. then we stayed up and talked until 5 30, we talked about all kinds of stuff, i talked about stefan and sverre and rick and vince and my sisters and my dad and texas and he talked about wren and annalena and amantha and chile and his parents divorce and his brother.... but this is why im writing all this ... somewhere in the middle he was like, "direct... directness.." and then he got to thinking and said he something along the lines of i feel very comfortable around you, i like hanging out with you ,but i want this to be platonic, i want you as my friend... i mumbled something about being entangled, i was trying to hide my immediate feelings of sadness and rejection, i said i understand i dont want a boyfriend either, he said he doesnt need anything like that right now... i said i understand, but i think it was apparent that i was a bit upset, i am not sure if he knew that what he said would hurt me. its true i dont really want to get mixed up with someone immediatly but if something good comes along i'm not going to pass it up... not saying that dave is that. he said that there was a sexual vibe between us and he wanted to see where it led, so i guess you fucked me and you saw it? what the hell? that pisses me the fuck off. i dont like to just fuck someone. ive never done that. the shortest time i fucked someone was rashad and that was like 2 months and we were fucking all the time. i want to have sex with dave again, or i wouldnt have done it in the first place.
what is that supposed to mean, is it even true, or is he just trying to protect himself. What if he doesnt like me? Why wouldnt he like me, im pretty and smart. i'm upset and i dont understand. i really hope that he is just watching himself because hes so sensative. why wouldnt he want to have sex with me.

a few things struck me about his behavior that scared me, just how nice it was to just talk like that with someone, for so long, i wonder if he felt the same way? This scared me he.... oh i dont know, i dont want to get into a situation again where i like someone more than they like me, what thefuck i dont want that at all but the more i think about it the more i really like him, shit fuck shit shit shit.... he likes to talk about stuff all night, its like sleeping with stefan, we can just talk all night, but unlike stefan hes so open, its like the positive qualities of stefan and sverre put together, at least somewhat, i mean i'm not romantiizing this, I'm sure he has his mental hang ups. I know he does. sometimes he can be rude. He appears secure with himself but i havn't completely verified this, people say hes really weird. although i dont relly think so, i just think hes a deep person.

I havn't felt mutual love since sverre. i am begining to think its not going to happen again, people just keep getting more and more damaged
Current Music: white freight liner blues
18 February 2009 @ 03:58 am
cans of beef stew in the basement of your fathers house
self inflicted gun shot wound --------------

the secret pocket of a suitcase
the hansom man in the picture with your nose
fucking like a maniac
keeping us in check
and i know its good news when i hear your eating solid food
catching minnows in the creek

look after the brats
rescuer rescuing
28 January 2009 @ 09:44 pm
I have done nothing, abolutely nothing for about a week now, it sucks outside, im lonely and bored and im barely going to class. Ever since i really cut it off with Vince i have been so insanely bored you know what i think im going to go walk down to howlers, im so fucking fucking fucking bored its a bad idea a waste of money
10 January 2009 @ 02:39 am
i feel fucking gorgeous
09 January 2009 @ 03:36 am
I need to clear my head and my conscience. I just read over my old entries and i am taking back the things i said about everyone, there wasnt anything too mean but i'm trying to be a nicer person. I like alex , she was a little weird at first but nice, and all the pearl kids, the mean no harm. i was just angry about rick, even after his accident i dont blame them. I felt like i had to write that for some reason, not, like anyone every reads this shit except for me but lately i've felt like a dismal asshole, various people have unintentionally made me reconsider my outlook, sitting in the hospital with kate the day i ran away from vince really opened my eyes to someone who is completely and utterly nonjudgemental and loving. she was like a fucking angel. Dave Rochman too for some reason always has this very balanced way of looking at things, i hardly see him and i cant remember the details of this conversation... oh yeah i think i was talking about seth...for some reason. he was just very calm and unbiased about whatever i was saying. it made me rethink whatever diatribe i was on. He came by today to drop that fucking amp off and i was about to get in the shower, it was akward not because i was in a towel but because it was such an utter clice. i made conversation about blockus my ultimate favorite board game! Hes really pretty and i want to touch his hair.
08 January 2009 @ 10:47 pm
i stood up to my calves in dirty bath water watching the grunge get sucked down the drain. the bath is becoming my fortress of solitude.
while i was taking my bath I kept thinking of dinty moore beef stew. dinty more beef stew, the words kept repeating in my head and it made me think of rick. one of the times we went to the gas station late at night. the russian one down on penn and main. It was the begining of an era of gas station food I grabbed the dinty more beef stew and later on in the kitchen i chose to tell him my story about dinty more beef stew. When i was little my dad would come and visit me from austin every month and when he would come we would have the same 2 meals, corn and ramen and dinty moore beef stew. jauntily, i remembered. drawing the satisfaction from this memory i decided to share it with rick. He told me that he too used to eat the stew with his dad and he would buy it in bulk and store the boxes in his basement. he shot himself in that same basement with the stew. this is the kind of piece of imformation that when shared with someone, that person takes on part of the burden of that memory with you. i suppose this is what friendship is. When i see the can now in the gas station the happy memory of my fathers monthly visits are overshadowed by my friends painful memory of his fathers departure. I play the scene over in my head when i think about rick and what makes him so troubled. I imagine his fathers brains splattering against a wooden shelf stocked full with cans of stew. a moist basement with maybe a work desk, hunting parafinalia, old girly magizinzes and a shot gun. Its always plays the same, like im editing a film, the camera cuts to the stew as he pulls the trigger and blam, object becomes a symbol becomes association becomes a trigger. dity moore beef stew fully loaded.
Peanuts are a trigger for me now, I want my rick back
03 January 2009 @ 02:43 am
my entry just got fucking deleted!

what i said roughly was
i miss rick so much i cant stand it .I amd away in boston and i am missing his recovery, I just read jesicas last entry adn he is communicateng better now. I know i am being impatient but i want to be with rick of 3 months ago. i need him now. I know that is self fish and fucked up and backwards but i am scared that when rick is back to normal again hes not going to want to see me, i know that this is all in my head but i cant shake the feeling of rejection and sadness surounding what happened between us the past few months. I have nightmares about it. watching Kate just makes everthing worse. on one hand i am so glad that she is there with him and commited to his recovery and reading to him and keeping him company while im away but then i just think about how i could never compare to her. she is so wonderful and selfless ad beautiful and her famliy is so close knit and devoted to rick. I understand why he said he could never love anyone else. he tried to pretend like he didnt feel for her anymore but i knew it was bullshit. why did she push him away. why didnt she let him move to boltimore with her. I cant blame her i just dont understand. I feel so fucking stupid. I think i was just taking a chance on vince in order to get over rick. rick seemed asthough he didnt want anything to do with me. it hurt me so badly and i couldt understand why. the majority of the first night i spent with vince i just tlaked about how much rick hurt me, i obsessed over it. i missed him so much and i just wanted to spend some time with him without all his phony friends around. h never had anybad things to say about vince, no matter what he didnt judge anyone i could talk to him about anything it was like telepathy somtimes. he got the joke. Somtimes i feel like everything fits into a patsy cline song. Vince was in many ways a much better boyfriend, he as attentive and giving, dependable ....but it doesnt metter because i could never feel the same way about him as i do abut rick... or stefan or sverre.